Maybe I should rephrase this into, my eternal question. But from what I’ve learned from friends and social media, most moms feel this way.
When I was a little girl, I vividly remember day dreaming about being a mommy. Doing laundry and hanging it to dry on the clothes line outside. Walking to the grocery store with my baby in a buggy, the sun beating down on us. Quietly knitting in my rocking chair while my little ones played together in the living room. Even as I got older and held a full-time job, I dreamed about what my kids would look like, what their names would be, how many would I have, and how far apart would they be in age. If life was really like this, who wouldn’t want to be a stay-at-home-mom?
And then I had a baby! Life was pure bliss! We did take long walks in the sun. I became crafty. I was mommy machine. Yes, this is what I always dreamed of! But life wasn’t quite complete. Duane and I decided to build our family. Just a little. 19 moths after Audrey, we had baby #2. My long relaxing visits with the sun and stroller became fewer and far between. My craft skills got packed away in my craft trunk. The mommy machine became tired. What happened to the memories and dreams of my childhood?
Slowly but surely, I came out of my mommy-coma and started taking care of myself again. It seemed like a long process. In the grand scheme of things, it wasn’t, but at the time, it felt like a forever. Our little family of 4 bought a house, added two more kids plus a dog and a cat. We were big and busy. I learned how to grow a garden, can my goods and cook like a gourmet. Yes, life was good again! But still something felt like it was missing. Just a little piece of myself. Even though I had what I had ALWAYS dreamed of, I felt deprived. I couldn’t figure out why.
Thank God for God! I put all of my hopes, dreams, and desires into what HE wanted for me. I learned to be happy. Take pride in everything I did. After all, He created me. I needed to be the best me I could be. Even though I couldn’t quite understand why I felt like something was missing. I had it all.
After I learned to actually trust God the way that I knew I should, He began to fill me up with what I needed to feel complete. He revealed to me what was missing. It felt so good to trust God and to know that I was doing what he wanted me to do.
I still feel a little envious of the “do-it-all-mommy’s.” You know the kind that get up at the crack of dawn to make eggs and pancakes for breakfast, iron everyone’s clothes before school, have a spot-less house, car, and yard, plus crafts for the kids after school activities, 4 course dinner, and games before bed. That was the mom I thought I was supposed to be.
But I’m glad that’s not me. Because just the thought of all of that sounds exhausting. Yes, I still love to garden and can and craft and cook. But my life doesn’t revolve around my kids. It revolves with them. And everyone seems to like things this way!
Now, pass me my gym membership and glass of wine and I’m a happy mommy!